Post by misty on Apr 26, 2006 8:46:59 GMT -5
This is a bit long but I found it very interesting
Challenges for Our Children
by Dr. Douglas Cowan
Researchers have estimated that 25-35% of children
in the United States have Learning Disabilities. At
least 5% have Attention Disorders. All too many times
during the course of their academic careers these
children are labeled by teachers (or parents) as
being "lazy," or "stupid." Remarks of this type are
typically interpreted by the child as, "You're no
good," and the self-esteem levels drop.
At least 50% of children will experience the divorce
of their parents prior to turning 18 years old. Most
children, for whatever reasons too complicated to go
into here, will tend to place at least a portion of the
blame for the parent's divorce on themselves. Since
the parents are typically placed on a pedestal in
the eyes of the child, the blame for the divorce
cannot be placed on the parents and must be placed
elsewhere, most commonly on themselves. This also
significantly impacts children's self-esteem levels.
There are other important challenges to maintaining
reasonable self-esteem, such as merely
being "average" in a world that worships only the
good looking, thegood athletes, and the well-to-do.
But can too much self-esteem be bad for you?
Let me say here and now that inappropriately high
levels of self-esteem may be worse that low
levels.
Levels of self-esteem that are too high may lead
kids to believe that they are more important than
anyone else, and that they should never be
frustrated by work or challenges in life. It leads
young people to believe that they should always
have their way.
Inflated levels of self-esteem ultimately
discourages children and teens from learning how to
work hard, and may well lead into criminal behavior
(criminals tend to have high levels of self-esteem,
not low levels).
Inflated levels of self-esteem also are directly at
odds with the development of one's spirituality and
relationship with God. After all, who needs to develop
a relationship with God when he believes that what
he wants is more important than what God wants?
The ultimate outcome of the self-esteem movement
is seen in this - New Age doctrine that you are, in
fact, God. Yes you. The guy who can't balance
his check book or keep his car fixed.
People are cheated in every important aspect of their
lives, emotionally, socially, and spiritually, when their
sense of self-esteem is over-inflated. So how can we
instill appropriate levels of self-
esteem in our children?
Briefly, here are five key thoughts . . .
First, change the way that you look at this area of
life from "self-esteem" to "self-confidence." There is
a difference as wide as the sea.
To "esteem" someone, including one's self, involves
feelings of "reverence" or "awe" or "honor" or "glory."
Words have meaning. Let's not get carried away with
trying to make our kids feel good about themselves
by starting to ascribe to them positions of honor
normally reserved for God, and perhaps for Presidents
and Kings. The majority of our society's problems are
caused by people thinking that they are as important
or as powerful as God, or at least that they are more
important than anyone else in the world. This is not
something that we really want to encourage in our
children, or in ourselves.
Instead we do want to encourage self-confidence.
This attribute becomes especially powerful and
beautiful when paired with the virtue of self-control.
Raise your children to have these two character
traits, and you will have wonderful and successful
children, ADD/LD or not.
Second, give lots of encouragement, praise,
acceptance, and teach responsibility.
Encouragement comes when you focus on your
child's assets and strengths in order to build his/her
self-confidence. See the positive. Even failures can
be outstanding learning experiences. Encouragement
sounds like this, "I like the way that you did that,"
or "I know that you can do it," or, "It looks like you
worked very hard at that."
Encouragement is NOT giving compliments for work
poorly done, but under those circumstances it IS
inspiring your child to work harder and do better. "Do
not let any unwholesome talk come out of your
mouths, but only what is helpful for building others
up, according to their needs, that it may benefit
those who listen." -St. Paul (Eph. 4:29)
Ultimately self-confidence comes from having
accomplished things worth being proud of. Reserve
Praise for things well done. Where Encouragement is
given for effort, Praise is given for accomplishment.
Just say, "That's a good start, keep at it," when the
work is not yet worthy of praise. Accept your child
for who he/she is. If you expected that your baby
would grow into an Olympic athlete with an IQ of
148, and instead he/she is "average" then you might
be very disappointed as a parent (most children
are "average," which is why they call it "average").
Disappointment is often turned into anger, or at least
frustration. If your child cannot live up to your
dreams for him or her (and why should they?) then
please be careful of your emotions. If you are not
careful, your own dreams and expectations for your
child will become a wedge between you and your
child. Please never make your love, encouragement,
or acceptance, dependent on their performance or
behavior.
Let them try things and let them fail once in a while.
Don't keep bailing them out. Victory only tastes
sweet if we taste the bitterness of failure once in a
while. Trust me, the dog's not going to starve if he
misses a meal or two. The newspaper won't come to
publish a story on your family if your child fails to
make his bed once in a while.
Just use these occasions to remind your child that if
his dog is going to ever eat again, he needs to get
out there and feed it (assuming that's your child's
job). Remind your child that he or she is an important
member of your home and that he needs to be
responsible with doing his chores.
Make the consequences for not being responsible fit
the crime. And of course be sure to reward/praise
your child when he does act responsibly. Behavior
that is rewarded tends to be repeated, and behavior
that is ignored tends to go away -- so always reward
and praise responsible behaviors in your children.
Challenges for Our Children
by Dr. Douglas Cowan
Researchers have estimated that 25-35% of children
in the United States have Learning Disabilities. At
least 5% have Attention Disorders. All too many times
during the course of their academic careers these
children are labeled by teachers (or parents) as
being "lazy," or "stupid." Remarks of this type are
typically interpreted by the child as, "You're no
good," and the self-esteem levels drop.
At least 50% of children will experience the divorce
of their parents prior to turning 18 years old. Most
children, for whatever reasons too complicated to go
into here, will tend to place at least a portion of the
blame for the parent's divorce on themselves. Since
the parents are typically placed on a pedestal in
the eyes of the child, the blame for the divorce
cannot be placed on the parents and must be placed
elsewhere, most commonly on themselves. This also
significantly impacts children's self-esteem levels.
There are other important challenges to maintaining
reasonable self-esteem, such as merely
being "average" in a world that worships only the
good looking, thegood athletes, and the well-to-do.
But can too much self-esteem be bad for you?
Let me say here and now that inappropriately high
levels of self-esteem may be worse that low
levels.
Levels of self-esteem that are too high may lead
kids to believe that they are more important than
anyone else, and that they should never be
frustrated by work or challenges in life. It leads
young people to believe that they should always
have their way.
Inflated levels of self-esteem ultimately
discourages children and teens from learning how to
work hard, and may well lead into criminal behavior
(criminals tend to have high levels of self-esteem,
not low levels).
Inflated levels of self-esteem also are directly at
odds with the development of one's spirituality and
relationship with God. After all, who needs to develop
a relationship with God when he believes that what
he wants is more important than what God wants?
The ultimate outcome of the self-esteem movement
is seen in this - New Age doctrine that you are, in
fact, God. Yes you. The guy who can't balance
his check book or keep his car fixed.
People are cheated in every important aspect of their
lives, emotionally, socially, and spiritually, when their
sense of self-esteem is over-inflated. So how can we
instill appropriate levels of self-
esteem in our children?
Briefly, here are five key thoughts . . .
First, change the way that you look at this area of
life from "self-esteem" to "self-confidence." There is
a difference as wide as the sea.
To "esteem" someone, including one's self, involves
feelings of "reverence" or "awe" or "honor" or "glory."
Words have meaning. Let's not get carried away with
trying to make our kids feel good about themselves
by starting to ascribe to them positions of honor
normally reserved for God, and perhaps for Presidents
and Kings. The majority of our society's problems are
caused by people thinking that they are as important
or as powerful as God, or at least that they are more
important than anyone else in the world. This is not
something that we really want to encourage in our
children, or in ourselves.
Instead we do want to encourage self-confidence.
This attribute becomes especially powerful and
beautiful when paired with the virtue of self-control.
Raise your children to have these two character
traits, and you will have wonderful and successful
children, ADD/LD or not.
Second, give lots of encouragement, praise,
acceptance, and teach responsibility.
Encouragement comes when you focus on your
child's assets and strengths in order to build his/her
self-confidence. See the positive. Even failures can
be outstanding learning experiences. Encouragement
sounds like this, "I like the way that you did that,"
or "I know that you can do it," or, "It looks like you
worked very hard at that."
Encouragement is NOT giving compliments for work
poorly done, but under those circumstances it IS
inspiring your child to work harder and do better. "Do
not let any unwholesome talk come out of your
mouths, but only what is helpful for building others
up, according to their needs, that it may benefit
those who listen." -St. Paul (Eph. 4:29)
Ultimately self-confidence comes from having
accomplished things worth being proud of. Reserve
Praise for things well done. Where Encouragement is
given for effort, Praise is given for accomplishment.
Just say, "That's a good start, keep at it," when the
work is not yet worthy of praise. Accept your child
for who he/she is. If you expected that your baby
would grow into an Olympic athlete with an IQ of
148, and instead he/she is "average" then you might
be very disappointed as a parent (most children
are "average," which is why they call it "average").
Disappointment is often turned into anger, or at least
frustration. If your child cannot live up to your
dreams for him or her (and why should they?) then
please be careful of your emotions. If you are not
careful, your own dreams and expectations for your
child will become a wedge between you and your
child. Please never make your love, encouragement,
or acceptance, dependent on their performance or
behavior.
Let them try things and let them fail once in a while.
Don't keep bailing them out. Victory only tastes
sweet if we taste the bitterness of failure once in a
while. Trust me, the dog's not going to starve if he
misses a meal or two. The newspaper won't come to
publish a story on your family if your child fails to
make his bed once in a while.
Just use these occasions to remind your child that if
his dog is going to ever eat again, he needs to get
out there and feed it (assuming that's your child's
job). Remind your child that he or she is an important
member of your home and that he needs to be
responsible with doing his chores.
Make the consequences for not being responsible fit
the crime. And of course be sure to reward/praise
your child when he does act responsibly. Behavior
that is rewarded tends to be repeated, and behavior
that is ignored tends to go away -- so always reward
and praise responsible behaviors in your children.
