How do you undo what your kid has done?

[lisacap]

Ok Folks, need to vent here, luckily I haven't had to vent in a while...here goes....
Christian, overhead the tail end of a conversation I was having with a friend, who also has a son with ADHD, and who is also Chrisitans best friend and this child is also the principal of the schools grandson. I over the years have become very friendly with this boys mother, who is the principals daughter....well my friend has been having major problems with her son, like we all have, but yesterday he went over the edge by telling her to go "F" herself and if she didn't leave him alone, he would throw her through a window. She is divorced, and her mother who she lives with couldn't deal much more either and they called the father, her ex, she explained to him that if he didn't come get the boy, she would be calling DSS to have them come get him, her home life has become that bad....in conversation with the ex she learns that the ex father in law had died New Years Eve and he is on his way to Canada, her reply was fine, I will give you his birth certificate so that you can get him over the border...to make a long story short, he came and got him...now this is what Christian heard...Gerald is going to be taken to Canada by DSS to go live with a new family, his father won't take him, and now they are sending him all the way to Canada.....now during my conversation with him, I said to him THIS DOES NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE...that was a private conversation, that you overheard...well lo and behold, I have had 3 phone calls from parents asking what happened to Gerald, and why was the Canadian DSS taking him, when we live in Boston....so my son took a whole story, that he had no right to even speak of, turned it into what he wanted it to be, IM'ed some of his friends and also told the friends on my street that are in his class....before I kill him, and end up having him taken by the Canadian DSS...I need some advise. I did tell parents that it was a misunderstanding, that he was going to a funeral in Canada, and that Christian heard the word DSS and misconstruined it.....I feel horrible, I feel like I have betrayed my close friend, I feel like I am going to be explaining this for a while, and my son thinks he did NOTHING wrong, and is in his room all PO'ed that he is in trouble for opening his mouth...and the clincher to it all, was when the phone calls were coming in, I had a house full of company for Mikayla's birthday....I am so aggitated right now...sorry this is so long ,but at you all know, when I type at night, my meds are gone so I can go on and on and on...thanks for the advice.....

[Charlie Girl]

Oh, my son went through a story telling stage for more than 2 years so how well I can identify. He too would take something tiny and make a soap opera out of it. He smelled smoke once (probably from a BBQ grill) and started telling people the next town over was devestated by a huge fire and most of the people died. I had neighbors who were having affairs although he didn't realize that was what he was insinuating. He would just see a man and woman talking on the sidewalk and suddenly they were best friends who visited each other's homes when no one else was there and... you get the picture. He even had people preparing to take shelter for a big tornado because he thought it looked like tornado weather and claimed it was all over television that we were in for the worst tornado damage we have ever had.

Now that I've said that, it took a long time for me to understand that when he thought something, in his mind it became a reality. He would argue with me that it was true. Even driving through the town he claimed burned down didn't phase him. He was convinced that they had rebuilt overnight.

The teachers thought he was cute and encouraged his active imagination. I had to explain why he might be a great creative writer someday but they had to make sure he knew the difference between his reality and the actual reality.

To do this, I first explained many times that just because he thought something, that didn't make it true. Then every time he would tell me anything I would have to ask him pointed, detailed questions. Once I had the actual facts, then I could explain that it might be real in his imagination but that he couldn't tell people it was fact. He had to be able to learn the difference between what he thought and what was real and to do that, he had to find out what the facts were. I would ask him if it was his reality or the truth. He eventually figured it out.

You aren't going through the same thing with Christian from what you have said but I think the principle is the same. Explain to him that he should never repeat anything unless he has all the facts. Tell him if he hears you talking and its disturbing to him, that he can and should discuss it with you. You may not want to answer his questions but its the only way to make sure he doesn't get things that mixed up again.

When he tells you something that doesn't sound quite right, ask for specific information until you are satisfied and if you think he has come to the wrong conclusion, tell him so and tell him why. Point out that that is why he shouldn't repeat anything without having all the facts.

I hope it helps but if it doesn't, have the Canadian DSS stop by here on their way to Canada with Christian. I have a kid who could use a nice vacation. Maybe I should say I could use a nice vacation. Do tell them that when he has become a model child I want him back.

[susieb]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this! I really feel for you because I have the same kind of kid. He can't keep something to himself if his life depended on it! I think you just have to try to mitigate the damage by continuing to make the explanations you've been making. Don't let him off the hook for this. He may be in his room, PO'd because you're mad at him, but don't let him guilt you into not holding him responsible for what he's done. I'd continue to give him down the road about it and really impress upon him how hurtful his actions were and how disappointed you are in him.

[misty]

Lisa, It might also be helpful to have HIM explain to the people he told that he was wrong...that he had made that up. That way he sees how its no fun when he has to own up to it & admit he was wrong. Perhaps you should go with him when he does it, or at least be close enough that you can see he actually did it. Maybe next time he'll remember what a pain it was to rescind a story with mom right there & think twice before repeating THAT mistake!

Have you called your friend to explain what happened? It sounds like you are close enough that she'll understand that you didn't betray her.

[Charlie Girl]

I think he really did believe what he heard. He only heard part of the story and repeated what he thought it meant. I would be willing to bet that he was very upset about it, thinking his friend's mother was giving him to another country because of his behavior.

It wouldn't hurt for him to apologize and explain that he was wrong but I wouldn't accuse him of lying. Pointing out that he needs to make sure of his facts because things like this happen and end up hurting people when they aren't true is more likely to convince him to act responsibly. Calling him a liar when he thought he was repeating the truth may have the opposite effect and shut him down to even trying to do the right thing next time.

[lisacap]

I did explain to him as much of the story that I thought at 11 he would be able to handle, and yes I do understand that he was upset, and yes I did explain to him that a few months ago , when things got so bad here, and I pretended, though he didn't know to call DSS on him and ask them to take him, and we went through a whole week of him on edge and speaking back and forth to a friend of mine that he didn't know and who he thought was from DSS how he would of felt if Gerald reversed it on him and told everyone what had been happening here...he gets it, I know he does, he is by far not a stupid kid, he just really got me when he delibertly went into the computer room, knowing full on that I had company,and wouldn't be monitoring him and told a story. What I told him, was that as he knows, you are accountable for your own behaviors and your own choices in this life, when you CHOOSE to make a bad chose, it is up to the parent to deciede what the punishment should be, knowing full on that you are making the chose...he knows that Gerald threatened his mother, he also knows that Gerald was screaming and swearing, and wishing death upon his family, he is also knows what out of control is because he has been there more than once. I told him that by the choices Gerald made, he was no longer going to be able to live in that house, that Peggy called his father to come and get him, he asked if Gerald would be back in school, and I told him not for a few days because he was going to Canada with his father for his grandfathers funeral. He then asked if DSS was taking him because he heard me say to Peggy, I have a friend who works in DSS.....I told him that if his father wasn't able to take him, I was going to give her the DSS number for her to call and have the same man Tommy talk to her and Gerald, like he did here for him and I but I didnt need too because his father came....he then took the story and made it his own...this like most of you isn't the first time...I will not give in to his being PO'ed in there, and moaning and groaning, he was trying to be a big shot, telling something he knew before everyone else, what I am so ticked at is that my words to him before the end of our conversation and before he walked out the door to play were.. like i told you before Christian, becareful what you wish for, because someday they can come true, you are seeing it first hand now with your own friend, but remember what you heard here and what I told you stays behind this door, because if it was you , you wouldn't want people talking about you this way...and his answer was Oh I know, but I have been good, so you don't have to call DSS on me, so again I went through the whole story of what he could handle happenening which was for the most part the truth, again telling him, DO NOT REPEAT ANYTHING YOU JUST HEARD....Ok I won't...out the door, an hour later, phone calls started...his answer was I just wanted everyone to know Gerald wouldn't be in school again tomorrow....so I just came out from talking to him again and told him, I don't know how you are going to get yourself out of this one. This time I can't do it. You told a story that you knew wasn't true, I then told him to tell me what I told him, and he knew exactly, Gerald went off the wall, his mother called his father and said come get him or DSS will, and now he has to go to Canada for his grandfather's funeral...so he knows, and if it keeps up, I will call the Canadian DSS and will happily have them pick up anyone's children on their way from Boston to Canada, so we can all get break...I will call Peggy in the morning and explain what happened...I just feel like a real butt, because I should of ended the conversation when they came home from school and he walked in the door, knowing full well, he sees and hears everything, but I didn't. I am just so sick and tired of getting him out of crap, it is starting to get old, which is why I told him, if he gets called down to the principals office, for lies he told because not only did he make up a story about a child, the child is the principals grandson, not to call here to get him out of it, he will have to sit there and explain what he did and why...Thank God she likes him, and knows me enough that I can tell her first hand what happened and then have her deal with it her way.... Who though this was going to be so hard...and just think we still have a long way to go.

[Charlie Girl]

Knowing the full story now, I agree. He definitely knew what he was doing was wrong and did it for the attention he got from being the first to know.

Maybe talking to the principal/other boy's grandmother would be a good idea. She could call him into the office and really get on his case. Hearing it from an adult who was hurt by his tale just might do it.

I know he deserves to be punished but he is in such hot water I kind of feel bad for him. I hope he learns from it.

[crazyhouse]

I'm sorry you have such a dilemma on your hands. I have just begun this journey with Jake he's 5 now and starting to make up stories. I want to have a talk with him about GOSSIP I see the beginings with Jake and I know sometimes they need that creativity but not at the expense of someone elses feelings. I have a phrase from a famous black and white movie i don't know off the top of my head (no sleep sorry) "Just the facts mam" sometimes after I have explained to him seriously a situation there is code phrases that he hears that make it easier for him to flow from one thought to the next. for example get in the car and get your seat belt on (we would be all day if I waited) but it's a race are you gonna beat your brother I think I'm winning oh you beat me good job. It's not the same but the plan is the same. We have to use a lot of tricks for a lot of different situations thats just the first one that comes to mind (sorry still tired) I think it might help if you label GOSSIPING as a bad behavior that could hurt people he might understand and if you came up with pretend gossip about him and asked him how it made him feel, that might work to. Cristian has no belly button he was born from a chickens butt, or Christian eats worms for breakfast. You don't want to be to harsh but something simple might make him see he could get his own feelings hurt and thats not nice. It's just a thought I have been pondering because my 5 year old has been getting very imaginitive with his conversations. I hope to hear some more because I don't always get the right trigger the first time so it helps to know a few and then stick to the one that works best

[lisacap]

Well we will see how his school day goes, considering his morning was horrendous, he didn't want to go to school, so I asked him why, he said he was sick, I told him I didn't agree with that. I asked him if he was nervous because of his story, and he started yelling, so I know that he was, and I just told him point blank...You lie, you have to deal with the consequenses, you made up a whole story, knowing full well that it was not the truth and that you told something that you were asked not to repeat and now you have to deal with the outcome. This may sound cruel and harsh, but I have no sympathy right now for him, only because he knew exactly what he was doing and did it because he was the ONLY one that knew and wanted to brag that he knew something no one else did.....
I did talk to a few parents that of the kids that he said something to and briefly explained what happened, they all said they would talk to the kids and tell them what he said was untrue and that they were not allowed to repeat it, lets just hope it works and the kids don't all have a pow wow over this other kids mistakes.....still thinking of going to the Canadian DSS...and the offer is still open if anyone wants their kids to join him.

Crazy, when Christian was Seans age he was also very imaginative and had a knack for story telling, he once told my mother that my husband woke him up at 3 in the morning, bundled him up and took him out on the city plow truck to plow the snow, while on the truck he didn't even have him in a car seat or a seatbelt, then his father made him climb up the back of the plow and help him to unstick the rock salt, the story went on and on, even to the point where he told them he got paid over time. Doctors always said he has a awesome imagination, but at what expense? He had a very hard time telling the difference between his imagination and what was real. There are alot more story's like that, and when he was that young the only thing that worked was making him make a complete fool out of himself and getting him self in trouble with other people. It did stop for a long time, this is probably one of the first storys he has told in a while now he is scared out of his wits of what is going to happen.

[crazyhouse]

I wish it got easier today Jake came home from school and did a little dance for me and sang dog S--- (poop) I was so mad :(I don't tolerate a potty mouth from my kid. I asked him where he heard this we don't use that term in our house and he said in the library at school and so I asked who said this and he said a man not a boy I said what did he look like he said like grandpas eye (my dad has a lazy eye) and then he went on to say he had purple hair and boots on with a red and yellow shirt and jeans. I asked about the clothes to see if I could catch him making it up but he sounds like he is telling the truth. I don't know what to do if I should call the teacher or what so any advice open fire

[lisacap]

The hardest thing with raising these kids is because of the vivid imagination I don't know about you, but I have a very hard time distinguishing the truth from a story...I would pull the teacher aside and tell her he came home singing a potty song, and you don't approve of it, and that he said he learned it while in the library, as far as telling her about the lazy eyed man in purple, I may leave that out. I would just tell her if she could watch them or listen better to them in the library you would appreciate it, because he told you someone in the library taught him the song but he doesn't know who it was...
Let me know how you make out...

BTW...Christian came home from school yesterday all happy and smiling, saying he had a great day, well once again he got himself off the hook, the kids who live in Gerald's neighborhood, which we are about 2 miles away, and Christian gets dropped off and picked up when he goes down there to play, were in school yesterday talking about how Gerald's mother gave him away...so he joined in the conversation as knowing nothing....I guess when the big blowout in her house orginally started, 3 of the boys from the class were there on Gerald's front porch when Peggy first approached them about and incident in the neighborhood that happened...Not that I am glad he is off the hook but I do feel better knowing that everyone knows and it didn't come from him.. all I can say is thank god after the library Tuesday, I picked Christian up from that neighborhood at 4, because I had to go out and all the crap didn't hit the fan till after 5 when he was gone.....but again, he weaseled his way out of something he should of been in trouble for....KIDS...someday it may be easier, when I don't know but hopefully soon...still thinking of the Canadian DSS...

[Charlie Girl]

Well Lisa, as my grandmother used to say, some people manage to fall into a manuer pile and come up smelling like a rose. It sounds like he is one of them. As long as you are dealing with him at home, he is learning that everything has consequences. Its just too bad you always seem to get stuck having to be the bad guy.

Puzzled, is there any chance that he learned that song from a character in a book? The character may have done a more acceptable song and dance, but certain kids later changed it to the other. That way he could be telling the truth and it would explain the weird appearance, plus since it came from a book in school, he may have thought it was ok to do it at home.

I agree the teacher needs to pay closer attention.

[puzzled]

charlie girl...it was crazy house that posted about the song...I can understand the confusion, though...both of us have boys named Jake....

If my Jake came home and said the same words though he would still be in trouble! And he is 13!!! No potty talk even at that age.

[Charlie Girl]

puzzled said:

charlie girl...it was crazy house that posted about the song...I can understand the confusion, though...both of us have boys named Jake....

If my Jake came home and said the same words though he would still be in trouble! And he is 13!!! No potty talk even at that age.

[lisacap]

You are absolutely right Charlie Girl, he did this time come out smelling like a rose, but for the most part, Christian is the one who is always caught, and yes he is still in trouble at home for repeating something he was delibertly told not too...and there will be no open gym tonight for him, which will make my life a living hell, but there is no other way for him....
the sad part of all this, is this story is growing, and I am getting more and more PO'ed about it. I just got a phone call from one of the other boys mothers, who just told me that Tuesday, when all of this crap had orginally started, the boys had gone to the library, my son as well, and the librarian called the cops on them, because they snuck out the back door of the library and were out there banging on the door to help them because they were being killed, the only good thing out of this is Christian's name was not mentioned, it was the other 3 boys that he was with, but that doesn't mean he wasn't part of it...I am ready to kill him, and I think my decision now has to be that he is no longer allowed to be part of that group. I can't wait till 2:15 to find out what happened.

[katiekat]

I know Sean has a vivid imagination and likes to distort and/or embellish. Once he wanted Pop Tarts for breakfast and we didnt have any. I ended up making a big breakfast for everybody and he had bacon and eggs. Well later that day he went out with my in-laws and made up this very elaborate story about how we had no food in the house,I hadnt gone food shopping for a long time and we had no money to buy food. AND he really wanted to go to Dunkin Donuts because he was starving. So they took him because they believed him and my mil even had the nerve to call me and ask me if we were having financial problems and that we shouldnt let the children go hungry. HELLO LADY!!! You just got played by a 6 year old.
Anyway after that I had to talk to Sean about lying and exaggerating and how you can really cause alot of problems and even get others in trouble with your untruths.

[Charlie Girl]

What a mess! It sounds like you are going to have your hands full dealing with all of this for a while. We're here to vent to.

Is it too much to hope that Christian may have snuck out there with them but actually had sense enough not to take part in the drama? I think you need some encouraging news right now so thats what I'm hoping you will find out.

[puzzled]

Chase likes to "embellish" as well....always has...as a younger child ( I am talking 4 or so) he would have 'dreams' that he could tell in so much detail that it would take the entire trip to Ft. Wayne (45 minutes) to tell!! "And then, we all flew to the top of the tower and there was a dragon, and I got out my battle sword, and everybody else was scared....." I mean these things were screenplays, they were so detailed! Nobody dreams that vividly and remembers it all, do they?

And now he comes home each gym day with tales of his prowess at battleball...some sort of dodge ball like game but you use a ball of yarn instead of a rubber kickball. In his stories he wins each and every game, but I have not yet had a chance to confirm this with the teacher or a peer....I literally get a full play by play complete with motions acted out in full glory! I sometimes ask him if he is SURE he is really the victor in all of this or does he just wish he was and he insists it is all true...could be I guess, he is a tiny target and very agile and quick on his feet....

He has always owned up and said straight out when he has broken the rules, I have always stressed that lying about a misdeed will merit more punishment than the misdeed, so he knows it is better to "fess up". Hopefully this will always be the case...

[crazyhouse]

Well everyone has been very chatty while I was hard at work ;D I think you are doing the right thing with the whole library thing even if he didnt take action he should have stayed in the library and not went along for the ride to trouble. Maybe he'll learn a valuable lesson buy losing the open gym privledge. I talked to the teacher today she did not see anyone else in the library while they were there thursday. it might be something he learned at the bus stop after school. Which is possible because the high schoolers and the jr high schoolers all get off the bus in the same spot so it is possible it was a large teenager But the teacher said he has been very chatty. I told her I've noticed he just will not be quiet blah blah blah. and this guy here and whats that and that cartoon what are they doing I cant get him to be quiet to find out for himself. There is only 2 times hes quiet when he is playing video games (educational) and when he is sleeping ;D I really am loosing my grip on being patient. I go to work for piece and quiet (night) I don't know how else to tell him SSSSHHHH nicely. I'm sorry to vent all over Christian's thread but you understand you've been there done that worn the tee shirt
Charlie girl good job you had me confused too! I got a giggle out of that reply