Anxiety is back and I'm heartbroken!

[bugsmom]

Hi everyone...I just need to vent. Some of you may know that my son suffers from pretty bad anxiety. He has been doing soooo much better and he's made some unbelieable strides in the past couple of months. Everything has just been running incredibly smooth and I guess I should have know better. Last week I started to see a little more of his anxiety behavior kicking in. He was getting a little tense over little things, crying at the drop of a hat, a couple of pretty bad nightmares. Anyway he got into a little trouble last week at school, nothing major, just a little too rough in gym and was sent to the principles office. When he got there he had a major melt down. Told his principle that he has now ruined his whole school year, that I was going to yell and scream at him for getting in trouble, that he was so stupid and why did he do what he did. He just totally beat himself up. I was just floored when the principle called me. We have come so far and in a day all this just comes rushing back. Yesterday he came home from basketball practice with someone elses pants on. (I actually thought this was a roit!) It seems all the kids just throw their jeans on the floor and just pick them back up after practice. Well Josh picked up someone elses and they fit and he left. He realized they weren't his in the car. He totally freaked out. Started crying, said he was going to get in trouble by his coach, he just went on and on worrying about every horrible senerio that could happen. But today was the real kicker. Before school he told me he didn't feel good. I knew he was lying and asked him what was really wrong. He said they were going to be doing multiplication problems on the board in school today and he didn't want to go because he was going to get it wrong. I loving reassured him that it was going to be ok, and I sent him on his way. One hour later a get a call from school saying that Josh has thrown-up and to come and pick him up. I get there and I took one look at him and I knew he was lying. He is not a kid that ever really tells lies, but I knew. We get in the car and I gently asked him if he was telling me and his teacher the truth. Did he really throw up in the bathroom? He just starts balling and confesses that he lied because he didn't want to do the math game on the board. I about fell out of the car! He has NEVER told a lie like this before. So he's crying...I'm furious...and that has been my day. I am so heartbroken I can't even put it into words. I just feel like for every step forward we take, we take 40 steps back. I know he can't help feeling the way he does...It just breaks my heart... We have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomarrow...I don't know what she will do. I'm so tired of med changes...I'm just tired...Sorry this is sooo long...I needed to get it off my chest. Any suggestions??

[Charlie Girl]

I'm sorry but I don't remember. Does he have an IEP? If he does, you should have them add remedial help with math. I would also have him tested specifically for a math disability.

The symptoms he is showing indicate to me that its frustration and fear of failure over math thats causing the anxiety. It could be a math disability or the inattentiveness of ADHD or a combination of both. He should be retested or at least have his problems addressed in school. Once they are addressed he should stop having such severe anxiety attacks.

Hugs to you and him both! I've been there and its so hard. I'm homeschooling now precisely because of that sort of thing.

[jj]

Oh Bugsmom, my heart breaks for you and your son. I know it takes forever to build self-esteem and about one second to knock it right back where it was. Poor little guy. And poor you.

I really don't have any advise. My sister tells me of days just about like yours and I just don't have any wise answers.

I just feel so bad for you. I just hope the Psych has some answers.

[bugsmom]

Thanks for your support girls...you just don't know what it means to me right now.

CG, we are going to start some new testing. This appointment was suppose to be to discuss what we want to test for and when. I have a feeling that we'll be discussing much more. After Lillian's wonderful chat last week, I knew we needed to set up new testing. As for math, this is the first year he has really struggled and boy does he get worked up about not getting it. I'm sure this will be one of the areas we will test for.

JJ, thank you for your kind words. They really help and mean so much.

Now I have another question...would you punish your child for thinking unclearly and lying? I was so upset today that I didn't even want to discuss punishment with him. I called my bestfriend in San Francisco who is a therapist and she said that I shouldn't punish him for having anxiety, but should now lay down concequences as to what will happen if he should commit such a big lie again. What do you think?

[Charlie Girl]

Look at it this way. He is forced to go to a job every day and isn't allowed to quit. The job gets harder and harder until he can't handle the pressure. On top of that, he is probably aware that his peers think he is retarded, and every time he turns around that image is being reinforced in their minds. You or I would take a sick day or quit but he doesn't have that option. I don't think he felt he had any choice but to lie to get out of it.

I would talk to him about it and try to help him understand that all you ask is that he do his best and that is ok. Let him know that you are going to have him tested to see if he learns differently than some of the others so he won't always have to feel so bad and can show everyone what a smart boy he really is.

You should talk to the teacher and tell her he is having major anxiety issues and what you think is causing them. Ask her if she can help him unobtrusively when possible and try not to draw attention to him and his difficulties until you have a chance to find out just what is wrong and how to deal with it. Also ask her how you can work with him at home to help him as much as possible from your end.

Its got to be your decision as to how to handle future episodes of lying before he has had a chance to feel better about himself and school. I think you can tell from my reply that I would try to be understanding at least until we knew what was going on.

[bugsmom]

CG...I completely agree with everything you have said. I loved the job comparision...I actually started giving Josh free days off after last years awful school year. I would turn off the alarm and when he woke up and realized it was late I would tell him we were just taking the day off. Then I'd let him pick what ever he wanted to do for the day. He loved it and it would really energize him.

As for the anxiety...I talked with his teacher this morning and told her about the math situation, she felt so bad and said that she would talk to his math teacher and make sure that he wasn't called up to the board. They have been so understanding and I really don't ask for much, but when I do they really deliver. Josh does not have an officail IEP because we really have never needed one. The school has always worked with us and have never questioned any requests we ask. I do believe that once all this new testing is done were going to have an IEP in place. They do offer LD services in the building even though its a very small school. The LD teacher is in the building 4 days a week.

Thank you so much for your insight CG. It means the world to me. I think I'm a lot like you and tend to be more understanding of his behavior and can let things like this go. But boy, yesterday threw me for a loop! As mad as I was...I just wanted to hold him and tell him it would be ok...which I did after I settled down. He just cried and cried. Gosh that's tough to watch. If we can't get this anxiety under control I might be in the same boat as you and decide to homeschool. He's begged me for a year to do it and I just don't think I could. Anyway...thanks for your input...it really helps.

[misty]

Bugsmom, CharlieGirl gave you awesome advice & I don't really have anything to add. I just wanted to tell you that you have my support as well.

I don't know what state you're in, but I'm in PA & a couple years ago when Shannon needed more help than her private school was giving, we looked in to homeschooling. I just knew I didn't have the patience, but I found out that PA has a wonderful Cyber-school! You might think about checking if your state does too. Basically, the only thing the parent does then is guide the child & make sure he logs in for his assignments each day. The school gives you a computer & even internet service if needed!

[lillian]

Bugsmom,

How old is your son? Is it multiplication/division that is causing anxiety? My son had major anxiety issues over this, and he went through such serious school refusal that I ended up homeschooling him the last two months of his third grade year. At the time, I knew the school refusal was due to school performance, but I didn't realize how math dependent it was. After months of therapy, my son told his therapist that he feared school because of math. He couldn't remember the multiplication tables, which made him think he was "retarded," and he feared we wouldn't adopt him, if he was retarded. Oh, gosh, it broke my heart to know he felt this way! Interestingly, he didn't admit to this until the adoption was finalized.

At the International Dyslexia Association's national conference a few weeks ago, I learned that the best thing to do with children who have great difficulties memorizing the tables, which so many dyslexics do, is to focus on just one or two of the tables, until they master those, then move on. Once they master them, they shouldn't be given them with the others they have not mastered, yet. So, let's say a child has mastered twos and threes, but is working on fours and fives, well, most commonly what happens in school is that the child will be tested on twos, threes, fours, and fives. According to the seminars I attended, what works best for kids with great difficulties mastering the tables is having the kids leave twos and threes, once mastered, and just work on fours and fives. Once fours and fives are mastered, the child then works on twos, threes, fours, and fives all together. In other words, mastery is done in chunks. This makes it much less confusing for the child and helps the child retain the information more easily. The latter is very important because math disabilities are commonly associated with memory deficits. Any hands on activities and songs or rhymes you can use to help memorize the tables are good to use, also, because they assist memory.

As far as your son having anxiety about doing a problem on the board, it might help if the teacher gave him a problem to solve the night before he was supposed to put it on the board, so he would know he had the right answer. This is a common thing done with LD kids, who are experiencing a lot of anxiety related to looking "retarded" in front of their peers. Since you have a very supportive school, you may want to ask the teacher if this could be done.

Many, many hugs to you and your son. My son and I have been there, and we know how tough it can be!

[Charlie Girl]

Lillian's suggestions reminded me of something fun you could do to help him learn his math facts.

Have him do them in sand or finger paints. You can even use pudding so he can lick it off his hands when he is done. It may sound gross but it will help him view it as fun and memorable. The larger numbers are easier to write and its more like a game.

I don't know just why this works but it has helped many kids. I'm sure I saw the reasoning behind it somewhere but I don't remember.

[lostmyshoe]

Hi Bugsmom,

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and your son too. I know it seems like you took 40 steps back but sometimes that just happens. It's how we deal with it that counts and it sounds like you are giving your son as much support as you can. Sometimes my daughter has meltdowns and what I have learned is that the first thing I have to do is get her to calm down and talk to me, really talk to me about everything she is feeling and that seems to help. I then try to give her reassurance that even if things seemed totally confusing and messed up that we can go one step at a time and I'll be walking with her, even when I am not physically there. Having that reassurance really seems to help. Of course, the help and cooperation of the teachers at school is a big help too. It sounds to me like you have a good program for your son and cooperative teachers. How did things go with the psychiatrist? I hope well. I think that is a good thing too, so he can talk about how he feels. We have a family psycholgist and he really helps a lot. I don't have any expert advice or anything for you, just my own experience from one Mom to another but some other posts here have some really great advice and ideas. Things will get better again, please know that. You may go backwards now and then, but as long as you work with the teachers and your son and you are there for him like you've always been, he will succeed. Wishing you and your son the best always. Hugs to ya. Dee

[bugsmom]

I want to first thank all of you for your replies...you guys are awesome and all of your kind words and suggestions are just so great! Today was a much better day...Josh was way calmer than he has been in the last couple weeks. He went to school happy and came home that way too! I could just tell by the tone of his voice that he felt better today. We went to the psychiatrist today and she talked with me first and then spent a lot of time with Josh. He really opened up to her about his worrying and told her some things that he didn't mention to me. I guess the peer pressure is starting to kick in and he's much more worried about not fitting in than he every has. Poor thing...I guess because he's never cared much about his behavior in front of his peers before, I really didn't realize how important it was all of a sudden. My gosh he's only 10! Anyway, he also told her that because we've been so proud and happy with his behavior at school this year that when he got in trouble at school he thought we were not going to be happy with him anymore. That about broke my heart. So he just worries that he's going to mess up and he gets upset. To make a long story short...(Ha Ha...this is already long...sorry) we are not going to change medications at this time. He has been doing so well and she just wants us to journal any anxiety we see. He is going to start back with his psycholgist for weekly therapy to help him learn some new coping skills for the anxiety. As for the testing we are going to wait until after the New Year because she felt that with all the holidays coming it would be to his benefit to not test at such a crazy time of year. We are so lucky because his psychiatrist, psychologist, and the neuro all are in the same building and work together to help. Our doc has some pull and she said she'll get us in for testing quickly...no 3 to 4 month wait.

Lillian...about the multiplication...I have been doing exactly what you suggested. We have been tackling a group at a time. We are now on 6's. I have to laugh, because your suggestion about his teacher giving him the problem the night before to solve is the exact same suggestion his doc gave me today! I had never thought to do that and I think it is such a great idea. I know his teacher won't have a problem with it. The problem is that he just doesn't know his multiplication! It's so frustrating. Right know they are multipliying multiple numbers, such as, 389 x 523=? He knows exactly how to solve the problems, he just gets it wrong because he doesn't know a multi fact and it throws off the whole thing. Anyway...thanks for all your great suggestions.

CG...I love the sand idea! We can't do the pudding because Josh is allergic to milk. He can't even touch dairy without getting a rash. But the sand he would love!

Misty and Losty...thanks for your support, its great to have your input! (((((Hugs)))))

[Charlie Girl]

That is so wonderful to hear Bugsmom. I hope he does better with his teachers helping him keep his self esteem intact in class and the weekly therapy.

Its such a hard age because of the peer issues. My son is 11 and last year was a nightmare for him. The kids were very judgemental and cliquish, when before they just liked him for who he is and didn't care how well he was doing in school.

Hopefully with the teacher helping him, the others won't realize he is having so much trouble. Once the stress of worrying about that is gone, he may actually find it easier to memorize.

Keep us informed. Auntie Barb is rooting for him!

[John]

Buggie, here is a cool math prob for your son:

111,111,111
x111,111,111 (it's OK to use a calculator on this one)

[rae70]

i recently had to try damian on risperdal for the anxiety situation. I completely sympathise with your child it is very difficult for them.